3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
