sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How does one acquire holy water?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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