8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
