So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
