Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
