i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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