yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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