I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
