I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My underwear smells like fireworks.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
