Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
