she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
