they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
