Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
