her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
