Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
