You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is Oprah even human
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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