If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sorry my hands just texted you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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