You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
