Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
