If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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