apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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