Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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