Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
