tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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