im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
