I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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