I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
