my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
