Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
