what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
