Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
