You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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