she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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