I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So squirting runs in the family.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
