For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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