If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
