My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
