I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
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Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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