Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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