I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
