i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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