she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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