nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
