Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
