I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
