So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
