Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
