She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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