News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize