So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
