Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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