I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
