I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
